The world of (s)craps

By now,everybody must have heard of orkut,friendster, hi5 and fropper..For the "Yeh PSPO nahin janta" similar type of junta who haven't heard of the above dating/friendship/social networking sites,I really pity them for they have missed out on some of the most happening action for quite some time.Orkut, from the Google stable was started by an enterprising Google employee..Google employees are free one day per week to think of innovative ideas,and one among the bright lot developed this service.
One of the first members by request,I believe, joining more than two years ago..and the site has undergone a hell lot of developments since the nascent days of its inception..It was the next logical step after the success of batchmates, schoolmates.com.But with success comes its flipsides("FlipSyde" used to be my favorite music communities as long as I was active in orkut)..Perverts(and that
doesn't include me by any stretch of imagination, even though my blogs seem to convey that!!I'm a seedha-sadha baccha) used it to morph images of hot girls (or members of the opposite sex, as i prefer to call them),viruses sent through scraps,bogus communities created to spread canards and what not!!

There have been quite a few instances when I've had a blast on orkut...Orkut's really addictive,coz it provides people avenues to meet others with similar tastes and preferences..When i wrote something inappropriate (and my bad is worse than what civilisation would call decent) on apna Dada (I'm a big fan of Dada and Hakla,those close to me know how I can kill (for) them provided a chance), I received a couple of scraps from my Bong friends giving me the choicest expletives..But they were no match to the vast expanse of my *&^% vocabulary..I replied in kind asking them to discuss in an appropriate forum and not pester me personally.Then there was the occassion when my dear friend wrote a scrap in one of my teammate's scrapbook,and then there was a huge "kaand" coz of that,the details of which cannot be divulged to avoid offending someone close.

Finally,I took the drastic step of deleting my orkut profile!!My fans cried bucketloads of tears literally,my friends were extremely disappointed,everyone begged me but like Angad, i was not to be moved from my determined effort..For better or worse,its been more than two months since that cataclysmic event.

Note: For those who want to remain in touch (and those are very few) can leave me a scrap..oh sorry,drop me a message at rahul.kr@gmail.com..I guarantee that if its worth a reply,you'll get one and if it's not,you'll still get an even unworthy scrap in return, and I bet you don't want that!!
(This section has been written on special request..Readers seem to like my footnote more than the contents of my blog, so I've now decided to henceforth write the blog in my footnote.)

Chinese Funerals

A few days back,TOINS carried the news of strippers being called to funerals in a province in China..How I wish I could witness one of those!!Ostensibly done in the belief that the larger congregation at a person's funeral, the happier the "late" person would be..The person I believe was a little too "late" to witness the spectacle of dancing funeral-strippers while still alive.
The old days of women being hired for someone's funeral to beat their chests and wail loudly are long gone by(This practice was called Rudaali if I'm right.)Everybody now loves to have a "high" even at funerals.

Then, it struck my demented, perverted imagination!! There have also been recent reports about dead people "rising" from their graves..Guess the dancing strippers gave him a "rise", a stiff..Unable to bear, persons have risen from their graves like the proverbial Phoenix from the ashes.
This practice can be put to good use to determine whether a person has really gone to hell or not..If the dead gets a stiff, he is feigning to be dead just to have strippers dancing at his so called funeral, otherwise he's really down six feet buried under the ground.

The witnesses must have had a gr88 time..How they wished more ppl went their heavenly abode more frequently,especially in China whose population is gexploding by the second..Wish it could be followed in India too coz India is also fast catching up with China in all regards.
Who the f&^*ing hell in the world cares about the deceased, lets have a bird-watching feast, ogle at beautiful strippers and then go home talking about the funeral..the more the merrier.

P.S: The comments expressed here do not mean to hurt any section, strata(General,OBC,Special OBC and what not categories included) of society..No intent to any sex, creed, nationality is sincerely intended.
But if still one does get offended, u can go to hell..atleast before you do so,kindly remember to invite me to your funeral..You'll always know that you've made atleast one person happy even after you left this big,bad world.

Cheers!!

My first half-century

Congrats to all ya readers for bearing my blog for the last 49 posts..Its a momentous ocassion, writing my 50th blog,which started some time around two years back.

Congrats to myself for keeping up with writing all this schmuck day in and out,for continuing to whip up "passion"...ohh,,interest in ITTIAM.I admit sometime in the middle,I penned once in a blue moon..but on public demand of my universal fan-base, I have managed to maintain a record-staggering readership of which details cannot be divulged now.

Thanks Blogger for giving me space to write all this scrap and utilising a couple of GBs of your valuable disk space.

Thanks to all readers, who continue to browse ITTIAM even when there is more shit around there to read and heeding to my request to leave my blog comments section "virgin".

Good Night.Sweet Dreams.

Black Beasts SRK and KJo in Chandigarh

Anybody close to me would know how big a fan of SRK (in due reverence, henceforth referred to as "Hakla"..Girls, beware of more things to come!!)

I have watched K3G once in a cinema hall,as more civilized people would call a "bada parda" ,a paid trip by my friends whence in college to watch Kajol and Poo and KKHH( on TV to fathom what good there was in that shitty over 3 hours of melodrama,except for Kajol and Rani.So, one can very well guess my "awesome" excitement on the eve of KJo's KANK release.
The promos itself were a big letdown..MTV ran a week-long curtain-raiser to whip up the "passions".

Finally, I went to watch KANK in the dingy Urvashi where Balcony costs an astounding 70 bucks compared to the niggardly 150 odd in PVR.Since, everybody who is a nobody must have watched the movie by now, I would not like to spoil the fun for the fortunate few who have been spared the 200 minutes of mindboggling torture.
I'd like to highlight some of the high points of this magnanimous opus on love and fidelity in marriage:

--In a casting coup of sorts,AB plays the role of a lifetime as a rich father to AB Junior,the older Bacchan loves sleeping with girls old enough to be his son's sisters..Clearly, after Kaizad Gustad's "Boom" which bombed at the box-office inspite of having Katrina and Padma Lakshmi,AB has not had such a great role tailor-made for him.

--The "Black Beast" episode was such an imaginative invention..KJo must have put more of that in KANK..like the BB coming out from the blue while Hakla and Rani were making out.While Preity and AB Junior,oblivious to all this shmuck were dancing to "Where's the Party Tonite",all the rock and roll and fun was actually being savored by Hakla and Rani.

--This takes the icing on the cake.AB Senior's references to Kiron Kher's backside as "Chandigarh".This would have made Le Corbusier turn in his grave..Such a beautiful city being compared to an old,fat actress' "pichwada"..Imagine someone telling you "Aaj mere boss ne Chandigarh maar li" and the likes..So hilarious (sic!!)

--The garish designer attire and makeup..I saw a couple of girls with notepads sitting beside me making notes of the latest chic/haute designer costumes worn by Preity and Rani..and by the end of the movie,they had run out of writing space..but they were excited enough to go to the nearest shopping mall to have those dresses before anyone else could.

--Hakla's acting prowess visible in every frame under KJo's able direction..Not once did he overact..He only raised his brows, twitched his nose and all the things which he has demonstrated in all his previous movies.

The saving grace were John Abraham's DJ act and Arjun Rampal's guest appearance..Most of the "seetis" were reserved for these hunks, besides good cinematography and over-the-top opulence so typical of KJo's movies.

I had promised someone special I'll be writing "rave" reviews about Hakla..Guess I've lived upto their expectations, unlike KJo.

I-Loo-Toins

People are startled when they come to know I sit in the toilet for a couple of hours reading the newspaper..The first thing in the morning as soon as I wake up is to take my copy of TOI in the loo and then give my ass a rest,with a fag in one hand,toothbrush in the mouth and newspaper in my lap, the relief I feel is magnanimous..
Though TOINS is not the best news service, but having been accustomed to reading the shit that they pour out on lakhs of readers everyday 24*7*365,my day seems incomplete..People ask me whether it doesn't stink or (sh)it doesn't stick?? But thats why you have Odonil and water in your bathroom to put good use to (sic!!)..

Sample some of the headlines that appear on TOI:
Paris Hilton's poochoo lost..Reward of 100 million $
Victoria Beckham's waist puts teenagers to shame!!
Man kills brother for Rs 5
& the list goes on..They seem to have no information on the war in Lebanon or other pressing headlines.

I could suggest them some eyeball grabbing headlines such as Rahul Kumar of ITTIAM (My Blog Initials and also the name of a softie in Bangalore) pees every half an hour and the like!!I guess Bennett and Coleman would one day invite me as their Guest Editor to cover some hot topics like Beyonce's Nipplegate or Male menopuase!!

The loo is calling me again..Gotta take your leave..But Where the shit is today's Bangalore Times??

Airy tribulations

I was going over to my doctor's place from London to Patna..had booked the tickets well in advance Economy class in Air Dhakkan to offset the magnanimous rise in flight charges due to spiralling white petrol prices due to the war in Lebanon.
My doctor, Mr.Osama (no pun intended!!) was a specialist in treating STDs..He had completed his D.M from PSU (Penis-ylvania State Univer-city)..Please ignore the spelling mistakes made intentionally to drive home the point.He was treating me for a disease whose name I forget all the time..but the recovery procedure involved me personally delivering my 3-day old urine sample at his clinic for further elaborate tests.

I landed at the Hea-throw Airport well in advance because Air Dhakkan is universally reknowned for its on-time efficiency..I proceeded for the security check-up at the first announcement..A long,serpentine queue of passengers weas behind me by the time I was face-to-face with the security staff..I,with a long-grown beard was carrying my two-day old urine sample in a plastic,transparent pouch in my hand-baggage,as had been broadcast numerous times on National TV to avoid any inconvenience.
I will now recount the conversation between myself(RK) and the security staff(henceforth referred to as SS)

SS: Hello Sir,May I have the privilege of brwosing through the contents of your hand baggage?
RK: Yes...my pleasure
(Seeing the liquid pouch) SS:Whats in that pouch??
RK: My pee
SS(looking flabberagsted,unsure of what he had heard): sure??
RK: yes..i'm going to see my doctor back home for some emdical tests.
SS: Whats the doctor's name?
RK: Mr Osama
SS(looking at the beautiful girl behind me):Please repeat..
RK:Mr Osama Laden
SS: If the pouch contains what you say it is, would you ke kind enough to drink a little of it?
RK: M^&*(F(&k$% do you know what you are requesting me to do?
SS: Yes, Sir..This is as per the new effective rules.
RK: That is two days old..and Anyways, I'm not going to do whatever u asked for, u SOB!!
(After talking on his walkie-talkie with his superior): Sir, would you please move away from the queue..We have an emergency.
RK: whats all this about?
SS: Sir,Air Dhakkan values the lives of its passengers..we have some questions which you need to clarify.
RK:Bullshit!!*%$&() ^&**&*
SS:No foul language,Mr Kumar.
SS: Why have you grown that long beard, Sir?
RK: Its my prerogative to have hair on my F^&*ing body wherever I want, as$hole.
SS: Sir,This is the last time you are being cordially requested to drink your pee..Otherwise.......
RK: To hell with cordiality,I repeat I'm not going to drink that.

By this time, a couple of Goliathesque guards troop over..They catch hold of me by the collar and move me away from the queue.Millions of eyes staring at me for no fault of mine..I was cursing my doctor and the f*&^ing disease I was afflicted with!!
I was taken to a chamber at the end of the hallway..What happened after I leave it to your imagination!!

Note: This blog was written while I was being transported in a high-security van to Al-Gharaib prison.

Spam: Now and Then

I am appalled at the low quality of spam that I get lately..A few years ago,my Yahoo inbox being inundated with mails with subject lines as:
"Male organ enhancement :click here"
"want hot se#? chat with Cathy,Booby &&&&&&& and view their webcam "
"Erectile dysfunction problem?? take thse pills at an affordable 1000$ each"

Today,with all major mail services putting spam blockers into place,the spam that I get is:
Re: &*^$#%&*)&
Re: Bang is wanna noun try test
and similar subjects which make my head go round trying to infer WTF they want to convey.

I would have been willing enough to open spam earlier..After all,which normal male in his right senses would not like his organ enhanced or watch/chat hot girls??
while the situation now is who in his right senses would like to open mails which make no sense even in the subject line.
Once I did receive a mail in my Inbox (f%^& those spam filters) from a Nigerian national requesting me to give my bank account details and Social Security Number because he wanted to share his wealth with poor souls like me..I now wonder how he figured out my pecuniary state of being constantly bankrupt..Must have read my blog!!Thats good news coz it means there is a new addition to the growing tribe of my blog-readers!!(at last count, I figure it was a staggering figure of two!!)
I was enticingly tempted to reveal the details..coz what harm can one do when my account almost always shows minimum balance..

While I was in a quandary what to do, my Lead came over to my desk "requesting" me to complete some urgent work he required, and so I dropped the idea..Who knows, maybe I would have been a billionaire by now,distributing my hard-earned wealth for the benefit of anti-prostitution,anti-drugs,anti-smoke campaigns(Plz ignore anti here!!)
Those good old days of spam!!

Note: Please don't "spam" my virgin blog with your unwanted comments.

Rakhi 2006

No, this post is not in continuation to the one on "Item girl" Rakhi Sawant and Mika the new Serial Kisser..A lot of shit has already been dumped in the blogosphere on the topic and i dont want to add any more muck than what I've already contributed in good measure..This post is to celebrate the occassion of Rakhi which falls tomorrow.

I have four wonderful sisters and I'm too far away to meet even one of them..Each year I receive beautiful rakhis and religiously tie them..No gifts since they are all elder to me and would not accept any presents( My perennial state of extreme penury forbids me from giving them anything lavish but still...)

To both my sis abroad, this is just to tell them you two may be surprised at all the things I pen down here but don't take it to heart..I only give vent to all the shit in my head but I'm not as bad as some of my posts seem to divulge.
To the other two, who luckily dont have to pull their hair perusing "I Think.....", thanks a lot.

I love all of you a lot and remember u all.Thanks for bearing this nonsense of a human being..Don't forget to have sweets on my behalf tomorrow.

*** To all my other readers, sorry for all this emotional stuff thrust on your unsuspecting souls.My apologies for keeping the post brief.

After a hiatus

Penning down something after a long time,courtesy the ban on blogspot, typepad and related sites by the Indian government..Moreover, was too tied up with work since the last few days(Yes, I sometimes do some useful work!! That may come as a surprise to my close pals)

The days fleeted away..asked my friends to come over to Hyderabad and catch up with old friends but could not make it myself..received the choicest expletives(Those in "Omkara" would seem like guruvachan compared to what I had to bear) from them for ditching at the last moment..
watched Omkara and Golmaal last week..Ajay Devgan does not live upto my expectations in both.Omkara, a brilliant modern-day adaptation of Othello set in the heartlands of UP..loved it especially the starting scene with the dialogue "Bewakoof aur Chu&*^e mein dhaage bhar ka fark howe hai" that set the tone for the entire movie.Probably most of my enlightened readers would have already seen it so I'll spare them from my review..Those who've not seen Golmaal yet,my advice is(if you care a heck) better don't..but if u do,don't say you were not forewarned.

Shifted my location in office and have moved in to a new cube with my Lead and another manager.so no chatting,blogging,orkutting..S(h)it in front of my PC whole day

Lost my purse from my house..I cannot pity the thief because there never is any cash in there..must be cursing his luck as I got my cards blocked before any harm could be done..So,as of now,my hands are bound..In a way whatever happened is for good..
Leaving for the bank now to get only my debit card.

Catch you soon.
Rahul.