Tick,Dumb and Horny

No, I'm not alluding to myself as Tall,Dark and Handsome,though I'm one ,confirmed by the the long list of hot babes who die trying to make it out (friendship that is!!) with me (Believe at ur own risk!!)..The reference here is to the latest Bollywood movie "Tick,Dumb and Horny",whcih I had the pleasure of not watching based on the excellent reviews by Kaveree Bamzai and their ilk of movie-critics who slam any movie as "for the masses" or "for the classes".

The movie,as the name suggests is about three TDH friends named Tick,Dumb and Horny,la the three "Gandhiji's bandars" who can see nothing,speak nothing and hear nothing (updated to fit into this Kalyug).Dumb ,played by "Dino" (He is kindly requested to become extinct to live upto his name ASAP) is dumber,though I cannot fathom who of the three are the dumbest of all.Tick (of Chingaari "Sushmita Sen" fame, who was in the news in the recent past, for having said he was forced to have retakes of hot kisses with the curvaceous Sush by Kalpana Lajmi..the same movie where Sush alleged Prabhuji to have touched her inappropriately in some intimate scenes) makes viewers sick with his blind antics..Horny is the best of the lot,as he is spared the ignominy of listening to the shit that his other two friends spout.
The antics of TDH are many,but I'll quote one( which was incidentally "internalised" by one of "The Hutch Indian Laughter Challenge- Dwitiya" contestants)..Dumb goes to a shopkeeper who has five beautiful daughters,all "raapchik maals"..he asks in sign language for "501" Washing soap..The shopkeeper does not understand the unspoken,cryptic "code" (Would Tom Hanks have decipehered that too is a big question??) and asks his assistant,who replies that Dumb is telling him that "aapki paanch betiyan saari ek se badkar ek maal hain"..ha ha ha ha ha

The glam quotient is suffusely provided by fisher-woman Kim Sharma "Singh"(she really seems to have caught a big fish "Yuvraj Singh" in her net)..Not to miss the object-of-their-affection bootylicious Miss "Celina Jet-Li" in hot,pink figure-hugging pants..The music by God and his cahort is the high(or the low??) of the movie(what with the lyrics,music and songs all done by the one-in-all Himesh,who without fail makes an appearance in the title,"original" Remix track)..The movie has as many twists and turns as a 100m sprint race..

Grab a ticket and watch this movie-of-a-lifetime ASAP

(Disclaimer:The views expressed here are the sole authority of myself and may not be in general agreement.Anybody who tends to "remotely" disagree will be prosecuted la "Zinda" with 13 years of uninterrupted PrabhuJi's movies with sexy South Indian sirens of yesteryears,with songs like "Chad gaya Upar Re" remixed by God playing in the background)

Chick Lit

Was reading Kaavya Vishwanathan's "How Opal Mehta got *&^()%$........." this weekend..Chick lit seems to be the rage among the female species of the writing clan..To know about its history, click a

The novel is as "gripping" as a "Prabhuji" movie..(In due reverence to all those not in the knowhow about the one and only Prabhuji,he is none other than our very own,one and only MithunDaa of Gundaraj,Chingaari and Classic-The Dance of Love fame..There are a lot more of his movies which you have to watch yourself to witness the Prabhu in full flow)

Right from the first sentence uptil the end,the novel delves into the life of Opal,about her travails through the journey of studious-Harvard-wannabe-turned-hot-chick.The main protagonist is a girl of Indian descent who’s totally academically driven, and when she senses from a Harvard admissions officer that her personal life wasn’t perhaps "well-rounded", Ms. Mehta goes out and does what she thinks "general" American babes do - get wild,get drunk, kiss boys and dance on the table.
The story also beautifully unravels the single-minded approach of her family who devise plans to get her into Harvard and later,to get her a life..the intricate nuances in the relationships in an extended Indian diaspora..
Her Dad and Mom's hideous plans to get Opal popular and hitched,all towards that ultimate goal of getting admission to Ivy League.

With lots of "masala" thrown in,its a perfect recipe for a bestseller, more so the fact the controversy in trying to validate the exceedingly huge payment she was made by Little Brown to pen down two of her novels,she admitted to " internalizing" from "First Pickings" and "Second Helpings".

Kaavya seems to have lost it thereafter..The narrative flows at a fast pace, is slick and trendy,with a multitude of references to "Hustler","Playboy","Vogue","The OC" and "Jay-Z" to appeal to the young brigade.The HBz or "Hot Bitchez" of which Opal becomes a member in order to be in with the crowd,her attempts for a first kiss are too exaggerated to seem true..(HBZ inspired me to appoint myself as the President of a new group CDz "Cool Dicks" ha ha ha ha sic!!)

Grab a copy to be abreast of the latest in chick-lit!!

My take on Gangster

Lest I be misunderstood to be a Bollywood buff,I had made a conscious decision some time back not to pen down a movie review..But its been such a long time since my readers were devoid of a stupendous review, that today,I finally decided to give vent to my latent film critic's abilities..So, here you find me writing shit about the latest movie I watched,Gangster.The movie from the Mahesh Bhatt stable starred Emraan "Kissme",Kangana and Shiney Ahuja, with ultimate music by "God" Resham-miya.

Atypical to the movie title,there is no bloody gore here la "D" and "Company"..Nor the gangster akin to "Shahabuddin" or "Chotta Shakeel"..Almost the entire "phillum" proceeds in flashback with a bar-girl Kangna recounting her past..How she met and fell in love with a gangster played by Shiney of "Hazaron Khwaishein Aisi" fame (Sorry, my readers!!my transient memory forces me to remember the names of characters as long as Gatlin takes to create the world-record in 100 mts!!)..But as in all Hindi films,the hero has to leave her alone in the "big,bad world" to escape the police and rival ganglords.

This solitude is broken by the grand entry of Secret service agent-turned-"Samsung Mobile V Super Singer" Kissme who tries to "fill up the void" in her lonely life..The movie proceeds with the customary two songs,a long smooch and some hot one-night stand "scenes" until the return of the Gangster..The damsel becomes pregnant with Kissme's baby (kya performance hai bhai!!)..After losing her adopted son in a shoot-out,Kangna doesn't want Kissme's baby to live a life similar to what she experienced as a gangster's moll,she "sides" with Kissme and gets her "never-screwed-her" Gangster screwed..aha caught by the police..Perfect retribution for not screwing her for five long years while Kissme didn't even bat an eyelid to lay her!!

The twist in the tale unfolds when she comes to know of "undercover" agent Kissme's ulterior motive..He had "phansaoed" the chidiya in order to lay hands on the Gangster..The story ends with Kangna shooting Kissme and vive-versa..Both go to their heavenly abode together (May their souls rest in peace!!).

Acting by Shiney and Kissme was average,though I was really pissed off with Kangna's verbal abilities though I wonder who listens to her or looks at her "chidiya-ka-ghosla" hairdo, as all eyes are glued on her anatomy when she's on-screen..Kangna looked her role as long as she was the bar-dancer(the plunging neckline,backless cholis et al),but could not do justice as the alcoholic never-screwed Gangster's moll..The saving grace was the background score and music by God, beyond words..The movie was fultoo "Paisa Vasool"(not the film by the same name,starring one Miss Jumbo Queen Manisha Koirala..I promise to devote one of my future blogs in reverence to Manya soon..Watch out for this space!!)

Hail the God.

Raja vs The God

Don't be confused with the title..this is no mythological "Anand bazaar Patrika" or "Champak" story about gods and kings..Let me make things easier for less knowledgeable readers..This blog is in tribute to Altaf Raja and the one and only,current "Indian Idol","Samsung Mobile Super singer","Sare Ga Ma Idol" all rolled into one Himesh "Resham"-miya.

One thing's beyond doubt,Raja's voice is unparalleled in Hindi songs..His "Tum to Thehre Pardesi" was such a huge rage that it spawned a number of copycats..What to say about his lyrics..Some of his sample couplets here.Raja then went into hibernation after the stupendous success of his private album devoiding his fans of more soulful music..

During this period of Raja's self-imposed exile,there was a new rising star that appeared in the Hindi music scene..The God with a "nasal twang" and "resham" voice,"Huzzzooooorrrr" Himesh."The God" aka Prabhuji has delivered innumerable hit songs starting from "Tere Naam" to last year's biggest chartbuster "Aashiq banaya Aapne"..God appears in only one avataar,a faded jeans,a denim jacket or overcoat,and a trademark cap,with the microphone tilted skywards gorging into his mouth..Unwavering to the cavorting gyrations of beautiful femme-fatale and sexy Bollywood hotties dancing around him in the "minisculest" of attires..

Lest the throne to "the undisputed greatest singer of all times" be lost,Raja broke his exile and lo..he returns to what he's doing best..but this time,he tries to ape the God to regain lost ground..with the sultry Preeti(not Preeti Jaain of "Chandni Bar" ,"Page 3" and "Corporate" "Madhur Bhandarkar" fame, but Preeti Jhangiani) being the object of his affection..I saw the video some days back and was floored..

The ultimate battle had just begun and we are lucky enough to be a witness of the greatest musical extravaganza of our times..the "Clash of the Titans" has just begun and all of you are cordially welcome to "lend them your ears".(Internalized la Kavya Vishwanathan from Mentor Kolektiv's Pasand "lend me your ears and expel your fears").

A die-hard fan of the God and the Raja.

The death of Mamta "Khol"-karni

The recent demise of our beloved Mamta "Khol"-karni trigerred a chain of events unparalleled in Indian cinema history.The buxom bombshell departed to her heavenly abode(The gods must be really elated!!) at the young,ripe age of 69(don't read too much into her age!!),leaving behind millions of broken hearts.

True to her name,Mamta epitomised true love.In her prime,she was one of the superstars of hindi cinema, delivering one hit after another in an illustrious career..read more about her Bollywood hits here.

From making hearts go aflutter in "Mera Dil tere liye" to creating an earthquake with her acting prowess in "Bhookamp",playing epic roles in "Police Wala Gunda" to "Gangster"(sorry to disappoint the indiscernible viewers who might have misunderstood it to be the new Bhatt family dhamaka starring Emraan "Kissme" and Kangana and might be wondering how they missed catching a glimpse of the beautiful Mamta),she was the epitome of what symbolised acting in the truest sense.

A brilliant dancer, watching her shake her booty in the song "Bholi Bhali Ladki,Khol apne dil Ki,Pyaar wali Khidki" in "Sabse Bada Khiladi" and "Bhangra Paale" in "Karan Arjun "to some sultry songs in "Chuppa Rustam","Beqabu","Baazi" and the likes made youngsters(including me) go weak in the knees..(Note: Chuppa Rustam(not the serial which used to bore its viewers MTV Bakra style) also starred another great star Manisha Koirala who seems to have put on so much fat that she can now lay claim to being "Miss Jumbo Queen").She also played an integral role in "Chhotti kar Doonga" whatever that is supposed to mean(How come I missed seing this one!!).

The zenith of her illustrious career was reached when she was "rumored" to have danced at one of Laloo Prasad Yadav's parties....Man,what more can one desire at the end of one's career than to gyrate to Bhojpuri tunes in front of the one and only "Lalooji",who himself made a guest appearance in the masterpiece "Padamshree Laloo Prasad Yadav" by India's answer to Quentin Tarantino, Mahesh Manjrekar.

Such an illustrious career was brought to an untimely end by her sudden death..Millions of "male" fans were so shocked at this news that they took to the streets,started pelting stones in Bangalore and looted Archies Gallery showrooms selling Mamta "Khol"-karni posters,cards and dolls.Brisk business was reported by CD/DVD shops selling Mamta's films. As a tribute, the (t)itsy-bitsy lehenga-choli she wore in "Krantiveer" was auctioned off for a meager 1 million USD, bought by one Mr. Kamal Sadanah,the charity money to go for the welfare of bar-dancers in Maharashtra and Karnataka.

What a sad end to such a lovely lady..May her "mamta-bhara soul" rest in peace.

Adieu,
A die-hard fan.